Photo by Terry Lee Cafferty.

by Scarlett Lewis

verything I thought I knew was turned upside down following a tragedy that I experienced seven years ago. My six-year-old son, Jesse, was brutally murdered in his first-grade classroom at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. It was one of the worst school shootings in U.S. history. The support I received, my determination to be part of the solution to the issues that caused the tragedy, and learning about social and emotional intelligence enabled me to take control of my life for the first time. I became the conductor of the train rather than just a car on a prescribed track.

Self-Empowerment

I made one of the most important decisions of my life while waiting outside our local firehouse along with many other terrified parents to find out if our children were dead or alive. My 12-year-old son, JT, and I waited for several long and agonizing hours as heavily armed first responders ran past and helicopters circled overhead. Amongst the chaos, a state trooper approached me and asked if I had a recent picture of my first grader. He returned later to ask if my son had any identifying marks on his body; I told him Jesse had a small mole on the top of his right foot. In that moment, I realized JT was watching my every move, listening to every word. I was determined to be present, understanding that how I responded to this situation would teach JT how to handle difficulty in his life moving forward. This strengthened me to model how to rise to the occasion and be the person I wanted him to be.

There was an unprecedented outpouring of love for the families of the victims. Everyone wanted to do something. I decided to address the congregation during Jesse’s funeral, to acknowledge our gratitude but also to make a call to action.

What I knew from neuroscience is that every thought impacts us on a cellular level and leads us toward languishing or flourishing. We have 50-70,000 thoughts per day, the majority of which are negative and repetitive. The thoughts we choose create our perception of our reality. I explained that the whole tragedy started with an angry thought in the shooter’s head, and that an angry thought can be changed. Then I asked everyone to pause, consider their thoughts, and change one angry thought per day into a loving one. By doing this, I said, you will positively impact yourself and those around you. Through the ripple effect you will help make the world a safer, more peaceful and loving place.

The response I received from that short talk was incredible. A week later, people told me that one simple act had completely changed their lives. I saw how just the awareness of our thoughts can result in a powerful, widespread impact on individual lives and the world around us. If we, as a society, would empower ourselves to choose love, we could all be part of a solution to reduce, and even prevent, so much of the suffering we see in our schools that translates into society.

Choosing a Positive Path

The next day a therapist came to the house, knelt beside me and told me she had lost her son as well. Instantly I knew she understood my pain, and our eyes locked, mine searching for a way forward. She said, unequivocally, that I would always feel the pain I did now. I immediately held up my hand to her like a stop sign. “That might be your journey,” I said with conviction, “but that will not be mine.” I knew I could not live with the sorrow. I decided in that moment that I would not be another victim of the tragedy, but that I would create my own path. Ultimately, I decided to choose love.

There was an unprecedented outpouring of love for the families of the victims. Everyone wanted to do something. I decided to address the congregation during Jesse’s funeral, to acknowledge our gratitude but also to make a call to action.

What I knew from neuroscience is that every thought impacts us on a cellular level and leads us toward languishing or flourishing. We have 50-70,000 thoughts per day, the majority of which are negative and repetitive. The thoughts we choose create our perception of our reality. I explained that the whole tragedy started with an angry thought in the shooter’s head, and that an angry thought can be changed. Then I asked everyone to pause, consider their thoughts, and change one angry thought per day into a loving one. By doing this, I said, you will positively impact yourself and those around you. Through the ripple effect you will help make the world a safer, more peaceful and loving place.

The response I received from that short talk was incredible. A week later, people told me that one simple act had completely changed their lives. I saw how just the awareness of our thoughts can result in a powerful, widespread impact on individual lives and the world around us. If we, as a society, would empower ourselves to choose love, we could all be part of a solution to reduce, and even prevent, so much of the suffering we see in our schools that translates into society.

Choosing a Positive Path

The next day a therapist came to the house, knelt beside me and told me she had lost her son as well. Instantly I knew she understood my pain, and our eyes locked, mine searching for a way forward. She said, unequivocally, that I would always feel the pain I did now. I immediately held up my hand to her like a stop sign. “That might be your journey,” I said with conviction, “but that will not be mine.” I knew I could not live with the sorrow. I decided in that moment that I would not be another victim of the tragedy, but that I would create my own path. Ultimately, I decided to choose love.

Teaching empathy one classroom at a time.

Normally when something bad happens, we search for who is at fault. But while the world blamed the shooter and his single mother, I felt compassion for them. If it really was all their fault, why had this happened so many times before, and why does it continue to happen? Who these hurt individuals become is cultivated by their environment. Their actions and reactions are determined by the level of social and emotional intelligence they have developed. I realized we needed to teach our children the essential life skills that enable us to have healthy relationships, manage our emotions, be resilient, make responsible decisions, and ultimately respond with love. We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can always choose how we thoughtfully respond once we have these skills. We don’t have to be victimized by our circumstances. Our ability to take back our personal power is dependent on education and awareness.

Realization of Greater Purpose

Whereas I had previously been running from morning to night with a never-ending “to-do” list, now I spent time sitting and thinking. The loss of a child gave me a dramatically new perspective on my fears. I wasn’t worrying about a review with my boss, retirement, or a relationship struggle. I was experiencing every parent’s greatest nightmare – what else mattered? The surreal peacefulness felt odd amidst utter destruction. I reviewed my life and realized that almost every decision – from the university I chose to attend to relationships and employment – were all based on fear. I decided to consciously choose love as the foundation of all my choices from that point forward.

My son had used his last few moments saving nine of his classmates’ lives. When the shooter barged into his classroom, his gun ran out of bullets. As he reloaded, Jesse called for his friends to run while he stayed by the side of his beloved teacher. His bravery is the ultimate model of presence and courage. I knew the same courage was inside me, and every other person, too. Courage is like a muscle; we have to practice it to strengthen it. This realization helped me to become grateful for what I had, forgive the unthinkable, and step outside my pain to begin a worldwide movement.

The Formula for Choosing Love

When I went back home for the first time, I found a message Jesse had written on our kitchen chalkboard, “Norurting Helinn Love” (Nurturing, Healing Love). I understood immediately that if the shooter had been able to give and receive nurturing, healing love, the tragedy would never have happened. This message moved me to take back my personal power through forgiveness. I was not going to let the troubled young man who murdered my son ruin my life and negatively impact Jesse’s brother, JT.

Photo by Terry Lee Cafferty.

I decided to focus on ending the suffering that creates the issues that our schools are experiencing, which translates into our families, work environments and society. Using Jesse’s courage as an example, and defining each of the words in Jesse’s message, resulted in a universal formula for choosing love in every situation: Courage + Gratitude + Forgiveness + Compassion in Action = Choosing Love. This became the foundation of our mission. I started a nonprofit organization, the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Movement, to offer a way for everyone to be part of the solution. The want and need to love and be loved connects all of us, regardless of any perceived difference. Research has proven that learning social and emotional skills, tools, and attitudes is an indicator of future success. The no-cost programming we offer reaches people throughout their lifespan and covers homes, communities, and even sports teams. The result is connected, resilient and empowered individuals. Attaining these skills can ensure they live healthy, meaningful and purpose-filled lives.

Changing My World and Others

I found my purpose by thoughtfully responding to the tragedy. Staying present, even through the pain, enabled me to take back my personal power and use my experience as a platform to offer a proactive solution. Rather than being against something, I chose to be for something: for social and emotional intelligence, for our children’s safety and well-being – for love. I am more centered, grounded and peaceful than ever before. This might seem paradoxical considering my loss. The post-traumatic growth I experienced enabled me to use the tragedy as something that can change our world for the better. This personal growth helped me to forgive and feel compassion rather than focus on pain and suffering. I chose to thoughtfully respond in love rather than react with anger, resentment and fear, and it has made all the difference in my life and the lives of others around the world. The power of choosing love is creating positive ripple effects all over the world.

Since the murder of her son Jesse, Scarlett Lewis finds purpose by creating a positive ripple effect across the world.

The epidemics of bullying, substance abuse, incarceration and mental illness (including anxiety, depression and suicide) can be reduced and prevented by choosing love and learning social and emotional intelligence. These skills are not innate; we must learn them at home, in school and at work. And when we do, they benefit us throughout life. In fact, we practice our social and emotional skills every day. This positively impacts each individual and enables us to be the change we wish to see in the world!

The Pathway to Choosing Love

• I took my power back and regained control of my life by being present, even in my pain.
• I chose to focus outward, on solutions, and called on my connection with others to help.
• I decided to model what a courageous and thoughtful response looked like for my older son, which ultimately helped strengthen me.
• I practice the formula for choosing love all day, every day.
• I practice courage to stand up, speak out and be part of the solution.
• I choose to be grateful, even when things aren’t going my way.
• I forgive, and will continue this process for the rest of my life. By making this choice, I take back my personal power and cut the cord that attaches me to pain.
• I also practice compassion in action by stepping outside my comfort zone to help others.

This is choosing love, and it is what we can all do to thoughtfully respond in any situation, circumstance or interaction. Scientific research confirms that choosing love can benefit us physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s a choice when we are aware and have learned the skills.

The Solution is Simple, and It Is free. Choose Love.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that there are only two kinds of people in the world: good people and good people in pain. This is a hopeful statement because there is always something we can do to help ease another’s pain. In fact, it’s why we’re here.