Triumph Through Tragedy

by Shannon Desilets

12.14.12, a day that changed the world.

he horror that struck a quintessential town in New England rippled across the globe. The loss of innocent young lives and the adults giving service for their futures was, and remains, incomprehensible. From that point on as a parent, that sick feeling inside of “Will my son be safe?” when dropping him off at school never faded throughout the years. The tragedy of Sandy Hook Elementary School hit close to home; two children of high school friends were inside during the mass shooting.

Experiencing Trauma

I knew I needed to help. My career path had taken me on the journey of specializing in the Masgutova Method (MNRI^®), the roots of which are in post-trauma work. I was a treating therapist and instructor helping people all over the world, and I knew my friends in Newtown needed this intervention. The moment their voice on the other side of the phone said, “We need you,” I gathered a team of selfless therapists, including the founder, Dr. Svetlana Masgutova. Throughout the course of about two years, we visited six times, providing approximately 75 treatment sessions each visit. Children who ran, children who hid, the parents, grandparents, and siblings of those whose lives were taken, teachers, first responders, support staff, community members—the tears shed, the stories shared are forever imprinted our hearts. Each one of them became my teachers, and my life is forever changed by their stories, their actions, their heartbreak, and their bravery.

Initially, our team had funding. When this ran out, I quietly continued traveling between New Hampshire and Connecticut every other weekend to provide therapy. I couldn’t take away what happened to them, but I could give as much as I could to help them through the aftermath. From day one, Scarlett Lewis came to our sessions. Her son Jesse had been murdered at Sandy Hook. While on the treatment table she would share information about her foundation. She had just walked through the unimaginable and was now serving the world through a program to help prevent such tragedy from happening to another parent, another family, another community. The Choose Love Movement was a program I knew I wanted—and was needed—in my son’s school.

Choose Love New Hampshire

Fast forward to 2018. New Hampshire’s first lady had written a beautiful post on social media about choosing love over fear. Looking back on this moment, I see how important it is to identify windows of opportunity and have the courage to move forward. That moment in time was an opportunity—an opportunity to reach out and introduce this program to the people of New Hampshire.

The Choose Love Formula, which comprises the character values of courage, gratitude, forgiveness, and compassion-in-action, strengthens the health and resilience of students and in turn improves their school, community, and entire culture by helping them thoughtfully respond to any situation or challenge.

I was appointed by Governor Chris Sununu in August of 2018 to spread the Choose Love Movement throughout the state. While my official title is program director, I’ve been coined the “Choose Love lady” of New Hampshire, and it’s a title I cherish.

When Scarlett and I met with the governor and first lady months prior, they both listened, processed, and asked the right questions. We explained that the Choose Love Movement’s solutions addressed the root cause of violence by teaching children coping skills, how to have meaningful connections, and emotional management. The governor said, “Of course we are going to do this. Why wouldn’t we? There is nothing more important than the safety of our children.” With laser focus on the important issue of school safety and the health and wellbeing of our children, New Hampshire has become the first in the nation to make Choose Love a statewide initiative, thanks to Governor Sununu and First Lady Valerie. More and more people have acknowledged that Choose Love’s no-cost, next-generation social and emotional learning and character development programming can transform the culture of a school into one that is connected, uplifting, compassionate, and loving. The Choose Love Formula, which comprises the character values of courage, gratitude, forgiveness, and compassion-in-action, strengthens the health and resilience of students and in turn improves their school, community, and entire culture by helping them thoughtfully respond to any situation or challenge. Today, more than 550 schools in the state have accessed Choose Love programming.

The Power of Love

In just three years, two of which have been during the pandemic no less, not only have we taken lifespan character, social, and emotional development to hundreds of our schools and homes, but we have provided a way for state departments and various agencies and organizations to share a common language, breaking down silo walls and bringing them together in a common mission. In addition, many workplaces throughout the state also recognize Choose Love’s ability to promote personal empowerment, unite and motivate staff, and transform the environment to be more loving, peaceful, and productive.

Working with the Department of Health and Human Services and the Division for Children, Youth, and Families, New Hampshire is now the first in the nation to offer Choose Love for Caregivers to those becoming foster parents or workers in the field. The program has also been brought into meetings reuniting parent and child, with great success. There has been increased engagement and bonding over common goals. Monthly workshops are also provided for youth in care, teaching how the Choose Love Formula can help in coping with adversity and moving forward in life.

I also sit on our School Safety Preparedness Taskforce and have received tremendous support from the Department of Safety from day one. When they get called in, it’s too late, as something has already happened, so proactive and preventative measures are what make the difference.

A Choose Love tour during the 2021-2022 school year, with funding approved by New Hampshire’s Governor and Council, nurtured mental health and wellbeing.

Surprising Connections

Perhaps one of our more unexpected partners is the Department of Corrections, the first in the nation to launch Choose Love for Corrections. In January, we celebrated the first two graduating classes in Choose Love. We piloted it in the women’s facility and, because there was so much interest, two simultaneous classes were needed. The skills and tools learned through the program have inspired these women and given them a new understanding of themselves and of life. Through Choose Love, they understand that love, mutual pain, and the need for connection can bring people together, and this is leading them toward healing and recognizing their worth. For Scarlett and me, some of our favorite visits have been in these prisons, seeing the light in someone’s eyes spark when they realize they could have made a different choice, one of love rather than hate. Violent incidences have reportedly been down since the Choose Love classes started. The commissioner of corrections has informed me that the men’s facilities are now eager to begin. Choose Love for Corrections will soon be available online across the nation and around the world.

Through Choose Love, they understand that love, mutual pain, and the need for connection can bring people together, and this is leading them toward healing and recognizing their worth.

More work is under way with various agencies and organizations across New Hampshire, from NAMI to Big Brother Big Sister and the Boys and Girls Club. The involvement of Choose Love in all these areas has grown organically. Once people hear the mission, it simply makes sense to get involved.

Growth from Tragedy

If you had told me five years ago that today Choose Love would be blossoming into so many spaces, I’m not sure I would have believed you. I can honestly share with you that my passion and my purpose have come together in my profession, and for that I am grateful.

Imagine what could happen in your own state or communities by bringing people together using Choose Love. Imagine having had these skills and tools growing up to help cope with adversity and gain an even deeper appreciation for life. Imagine being a young parent and having had this to rely on to help the development of your little ones. Imagine being a college student right now, having just walked through some of the most challenging and isolating times, and having these skills and tools to rely on for coping and connecting. Imagine also the employment skills it brings. You as a leader have stepped into your position with a responsibility—a responsibility to inspire, connect, and empower those around you. I stand here holding this torch that has begun to light up my state and I offer it to you.

We might not be able to choose what happens to us in life, but we do have the power to choose our response. True growth comes from getting back up, being courageous enough to admit mistakes, learning from experiences, being authentic in our communication, and modeling the very respect we desire from others. As leaders, we have the opportunity to empower those we work with, to build them up and engage them in something so positive and powerful that the ripple effect creates wave of inspiration and change to the communities around us.

Imagine what could happen in your own state or communities by bringing people together using Choose Love. Imagine having had these skills and tools growing up to help cope with adversity and gain an even deeper appreciation for life.

What fuels me in bringing Choose Love forward? It’s the tears I’ve wiped and the private stories I’ve heard—experiences I am unable to share from Sandy Hook, Newtown, and Connecticut, throughout the last nine years. It’s stepping in to be part of the solution, to help ease the pain so many people feel in this day and age, and to help people thrive. This movement was born out of that time as a proactive and preventative measure to nurture our schools, homes, and communities. It is bringing social and emotional skills to the forefront to help us with our own self-management, our ability to regulate emotions and have meaningful connections. Courage, gratitude, forgiveness, and compassion in action have honestly transformed my life and my relationships. It seems so simple, yet it does take effort to make the choice to live this out. That choice is yours.